This piece is a trigger warning. A friend of mine who prefers to remain anonymous shared a very personal story with me. She shared this with the intent of sharing it with a wider audience. Knowing I have a personal blog she asked me if I could share her story. Together she and I wrote: Two Pink Lines. This is dedicated to all the mothers who never got to meet their babies. It all started when I saw those two pink lines.
So many emotions flooded my mind. Initially, disbelief hit me like a speeding train. It wasn’t until I saw two more pink lines, I could ease my mind. Ecstatic, I told my partner. A smile bigger than ever took over his face. A powerful embrace followed. Tender swollen breasts Nausea Cravings Mood swings Fatigue they hit me hard. I was miserable. What got me through each day was the excitement to meet you. My little peanut. I dreamt of you every night. Picturing your eyes, your sweet face, your little nose, your belly, your laugh, you little rolls. As the days passed, I grew more excited. We started planning the future. Coming up with names for hours. Then, reality came around. How can we afford a baby? What will we do when we are both at work? Is daycare an option? Can we honestly afford to take care of a child? The anxiety surrounding was excruciating. I was excited but scared shitless. It must have been the hormones because the anxiety went away like a balloon in the wind. I was excited again. That is until the day I felt horrible pain. It felt as if someone was stabbing me repeatedly. I felt as if I had wet my pants, so I ran to the bathroom to find a river of blood coming down my leg. My heart sank. My eyes watered with the realization of what just happened. I lost my baby. I was taken to urgent care where confirmation of what I already knew came about. They performed a D&C. I’m not sure what hurt more, the labor pain or the scalpel scraping my fragile uterus. “Come back in a week that way we can run tests to see why this happened,” they said. I was lost. Caught in a whirlpool of emotion. I couldn’t help but ask, why God? Why would you take my peanut away? Our peanut! What did I do to deserve this? What did we do? I can’t help but feel it is all my fault. Was it my doubt? What is wrong with my body that I couldn’t carry you to term? Why am I being punished? My faith has me believing that I was made in God’s image. I’m far from perfect, losing my peanut, has proven my defects. They say, “everything happens for a reason” but I can’t fathom a reason for why this happened. Our peanut is in heaven my faith has told me. I pray for peace. Lord, give me the strength to overcome this obstacle.
0 Comments
|
DreaAlways remember to love yourself. Archives
November 2022
Categories |