I am a people pleaser. My goal in life is to make everyone in my life happy, but my problem is I don’t do anything to make myself happy. I like to consider myself a heartless, selfish, person but in reality, I will do anything and everything for the people I care about. I would rather be miserable if that meant that my loved ones are happy. And you know what, it’s a horrible habit to have. I am prone to be taken advantage of because I will say yes. Take my past engagement for example. I was 17 years old and I had told my boyfriend at the time, that I didn’t want to ever get married because of seeing so many failed marriages. To my surprise, a week later, he proposed to me in Disneyland in front of the castle. In my head, I screamed “NO!” But out loud, I said yes. I feel if he hadn’t done it in such a magical place I would have said no, but due to the circumstances I felt obligated to say yes. I couldn’t imagine how he would have felt if I had told him no in front of all those people. I was engaged for 3 years and the entire time I knew I had made the wrong decision. I was willing to settle, because my mom and I had put so much money into the wedding, and every time I tried to tell him I didn’t want to marry him he would manipulate me and convince me to marry him. It wasn’t until he raped me, that I knew I couldn’t go through with it. I can give so many more examples of my people pleasing but this one takes the cake. I never thought people pleasing was bad until this happened with my ex. I think I have calmed down since then, but then again others may say differently. I know I need to control my people pleasing, but it’s not easy when you constantly want to be perfect. A big fear of mine is disappointing those I care about, and it seems the harder I try not to disappoint the more I am likely to disappoint. Luckily, even with my low self-esteem I still have people who love me, and that is the fuel I am using to stop this horrible habit!
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November 2022
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