As I sit here, in The Cheesecake Factory, watching my client fold napkins for five hours. My mind begins to wander. I start to think of the future and what it has in store for me. I also think of who I want to become. But thinking of who I want to become brings on the question that I rarely think about anymore: Who is the REAL Andrea? This question stops all my thoughts about my future and who I want to be if I don’t know who I am now? Sitting here on this hard chair, with the smell of cooking food and musty rags, in the back of the kitchen of The Cheesecake Factory; forces me to have a self-reflection period in the long five hours I sit here watching my client fold these white cloth napkins. I sit here staring at his blue button up shirt that is imprinted with bottles, cans, and glasses filled with beer, tropical leaves, and tiki designs. I take a mental journey into my past and start to reflect on my life. I go back to my childhood. Overall, my childhood was great. I was typically very happy and loved life. Though, looking back, I remember thoughts lingering about what I did to have my father coming in and out of mine and my mom’s lives. Was it my fault he didn’t want to stick around? I couldn’t accept that I was a child of a single parent home, and all my classmates were fortunate enough to have both parents. This thought, along with the thought that I was the black sheep of my family lingered with me until my teenage years. (And to be honest, being the black sheep of my family still lingers to this day.) My thoughts get interrupted by my client. I assure you, I am not off in Lala land, his needs are being met. Once his question is answered I resumed my previous thoughts. Just like unpausing a movie. I go back to the age of fourteen when I became very depressed and felt the only way out was suicide. I was lonely and turned to my cousin’s anti-depressants. Then I turned to her pain pill. Those pills would put me to sleep and numb the pain I had. I lived life with guilt, anxiety, fear and anger. I was frustrated. I hated my life. In this depression period, which led to addiction, I treated everybody around me poorly. My Mom deserved a better daughter. But being a great mom, she stuck by my side. High school was a blur. I don’t remember much of it. I do remember my first REAL relationship. I was blinded by the affection I longed for, so much so, that I didn’t listen to my gut in moments I should have. I agreed to marry him at the age of seventeen, even though, I knew it wasn’t meant to be. I catch myself drifting off into waters I don’t want to relive, until I snap out of it and focus on the task at hand. My job. I focus back on my client, check up on him, ask what he needs from me then go back to some self-reflection. I have yet to know who the REAL Andrea is, but I have no doubt I will find out who I am in this reflection period of my life.
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