Today, I’ve decided to get real, not only with the readers, but with myself as well. I am an extremely insecure person. I don’t think much of myself. I think I’m dumb, fat, and ugly. I feel that there are so many things I can change about myself. I also let myself believe that if I change all the things I hate about myself, then I will finally be happy with myself. Unfortunately, even if I make drastic changes in my life I know I will still be insecure.
I have had a low self-esteem for years and it all goes back to when I was little. First, I grew up without a Dad. My Dad would come in and out of my life, and for the longest time I believed he didn’t want me. It was extremely difficult for me because all I wanted was my Dad to be part of my family. Second, in school, I basically grew up a loner. People would pretend to be my friend and when I finally opened up they would pick on me and spread rumors about me behind my back. I remember the first real sleepover I ever went to. I was so excited because a group of girls finally accepted me and invited me to hang out with them over the weekend. Well, like they say, hindsight is 20/20 because looking back, I wish I had never gone. When I went, the girls were so mean to me. They called me names and made me feel horrible. I called my mom to pick me up because there was no way I was going to stay with these girls. My mom had always feared that something like this would happen and when it did, she was distraught. After that had happened to me I became really depressed. Then comes high school. High school was a bad experience for me. From rumors spread about me being a whore to losing friends because of these rumors, my self-esteem dropped dramatically throughout high school. Not only that, but I suffered depression, suicidal ideation, and addiction. I won’t go too much into that, but just know high school was a hard time for me. The major problem I had was I let myself believe all the horrible things people were saying about me. Any time something bad would happen to me it pretty much confirmed everything that was said about me. When something good would happen to me I would challenge it, so I could find the negative in something positive. I, like most people, focus on the negative. There could be a million positive things that happen throughout my day, but all it takes is one negative thing to ruin my day. Danielle wants me to challenge these negative thoughts because she feels it will help me think rationally. For example, say I wake up and I just know it’s going to be a bad day. How I would challenge this would be to question myself. “Is it really going to be a bad day?” “I may have not slept well, but it doesn’t mean today will be bad.” “Is my lack of sleep the only reason I think today will be bad?” She wants me to challenge the thought as much as I can, so I can potentially stop the thought and go on with my day. She says if I notice a pattern in my negative thoughts to write it down and we will talk about it in future sessions. My low self-esteem isn’t something I can change right away. Like my PTSD, this is something that takes time and patience. I need reassurance that everything will get better. This is just another step in my journey to happiness. I feel what needs to be done before I increase my self-esteem is rationalize all the negative thoughts I have about myself and engage in more self-love. I’m learning to accept that my past is not going to change, but I still dwell on my past so much it’s draining, and my negative thoughts take advantage of my vulnerability. Like I mentioned in past posts, I am taking out negative aspects of my life which has helped a tremendous amount. I’ve gotten better at stopping some negative thoughts with my mantras, but some just take over my head and control me like a puppet. These controlling negative thoughts usually pertain to my self-image or my past. Those two topics are things I have never really dealt with. I have done therapy in the past, but we never really talked about these topics. Now, they are a huge part of my sessions. She wants me to accept my past and see I am not the worthless person I think I am. Unfortunately, I let my low self-esteem affect all aspects of my life, especially, my relationship. I compare myself to a lot of people and I compare not only my past relationships but Anthony’s as well. Comparisons kill happiness, but this is something I’ve always done so it’s hard for me to break the cycle. Once I feel I have control it feels like reality wants to hit me in the face because that is usually when shit hits the fan. Luckily, I have gotten better at staying positive especially when things start to take a negative turn. At times, I do still let the negativity take over. I am only human negativity is expected. If I was positive all the time I wouldn’t be human. It took me 23 years to figure out that everyone experiences negativity in their lives, but what makes us different is if we let the negativity take over our lives or we use it as an opportunity to find a positive outcome. When it comes to my insecurities, my goal is to gain more self-confidence and accept the past. Currently, I am working on ways to accept the past and talking about my insecurities in depth while working on ways to engage in more self-love. Danielle and I believe that once I finally resolve these issues I will achieve my goal of true happiness. But until then, I am here for the journey.
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