Everyone has triggers for stress, anxiety, sadness and almost any emotion you can think of. These triggers can be people, items, memories, anything that can have a negative impact on your mental health. Knowing what triggers, me I’ve identified them as my “tormentors.” I’ve decided to write each of my tormentors a letter describing why they bother me and that I refuse to let them take control of my mental health. For the privacy of others, I’ve decided to disguise the identities of my human tormentors. Dear Bad Influence, Just hearing your name gives me massive anxiety. Seeing you brings out frustration. Your influence on the person I love sends me over the edge. It may be a delusion of mine, but I truly feel you’re out to get me. It seems our dislike is mutual. The saddest thing is, my dislike for you isn’t even your fault. I’ve treated you poorly, endangered your life, and blamed you for things you had nothing to do with. I don’t expect forgiveness, but I want you to know, I am truly sorry for everything I have done to you. I was not in my right mind. I was blinded by strong dislike for somebody you remind me of. My instinct is to run away or get myself out of the bad situation, but I need to realize you are not going anywhere. I need to condition my brain to see you’re not that unwanted memory. You are completely different! I will do what ever it takes to not let you impact my life in a negative way. Dear Mental Illness, Before my diagnosis I knew something was off about me, I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Having studied Psychology, I should have known the symptoms. Insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, agitation, and so many other painted a clear picture for me, but I still couldn’t figure it out. Having this mental illness is no excuse for my actions, but it certainly causes my brain to distort events to the point where I make poor decisions. I’m working on ways to deal with it without the use of medications by learning calming techniques and ways to rationalize my thoughts. My nightmares used to haunt me daily, but now they are minimal. I remind myself the events took place in the past and that’s where I intend on keeping them. I am working on not letting my trauma define me. I’m a survivor, not a victim! Dear Unhealthy Obsession, You’re someone in the person I love’s past that I cannot let go. You’re not a part of his life anymore, but I can’t help but obsess over your life. It’s mostly my insecurities taking over, but I know there’s more to it. I admit fault. After my interview with you for a homework assignment I got the horrible desire to get to know you on a deeper level. I was level headed at first, but my obsession grew and got out of control quickly. You took notice and told the person I love to tell me to back off. I was blinded by my obsession over you that when I was confronted by the person I love I felt betrayal. I felt he took your side rather than just ignore you. At that point, I was scared straight (temporarily). I went on a social media hiatus. I blocked you on everything and logged myself out of everything just to fight the urge of “Facebook stalking” you. I did well for three months, until my insecurities took control again. I caught myself again and again unblocking you just to see what you were doing. A friend of mine corrupted my mind when she added her ex boyfriend’s now, wife on my Facebook, just so she could see what this girl was up to. My corrupted mind decided maybe she should return the favor. It honestly was more trouble than what it was worth. There were a few obstacles we faced so I decided to back out on the idea because it was not good for my mental health. When I catch myself with the urge to stalk you, I repeat a mantra to set my mind straight. “_______ doesn’t matter!” The first time we ever talked was strictly professional, but I let my stupid insecurities take over. I’m sorry unhealthy obsession for everything I have done to you. I feel for me to heal from this I need to acknowledge my wrongdoings. Dear Social Media, I can’t help but feel if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have any issues with Unhealthy Obsession. I would have never started “Facebook stalking” or anything else I did. I desperately want social interaction, but the only problem is today’s society highly depends on you for social interaction. Face to face interaction is practically a taboo now-a-days. Having social media account helps people do things they wouldn’t normally do in person. It’s a shield for the weak. I’ve fallen victim to this shield, unfortunately. I have developed an unhealthy obsession with someone because I had access to the things I wanted to see. Trust me, you are not solely to blame, but you are a huge factor I ended up in hot water. Don’t get me wrong, you are beneficial in other ways, but my use for you has changed dramatically. I may have to go on another hiatus for me to get myself back on track. I need relinquish your control over me. Dear Unwanted Memory, I wasted almost five years of my life with you for it to just end the way it did. I like to blame you for everything bad that has happened to me. You are the main reason I am the way I am now. I don’t trust people, especially men, now, because of you. I fear being around intoxicated men because of your actions! I have a hard time letting people into my life because when we were together that was never an option. Whenever we had trouble in paradise, you would manipulate me into thinking everything was ok. On a few occasions when I tried leaving you wouldn’t take no for an answer. You would convince me to stay with your lies. I almost married you because of the fear you would harm yourself if I did leave. With you, I was a scared little girl. Unfortunately, you took advantage of me both physically and mentally. Because of you I relapsed. Because of you I suffer from PTSD. Because of you finding peace will be an extremely difficult journey. You’re the reason I have issues with Bad Influence. What pisses me off the most is you denied everything you ever did to me. Be a man and admit your shortcomings! What’s sad is I am not the first person you did this to. I was stupid enough to think I could change you. I’ve learned from my mistakes while being with you. You and I had a lot of amazing memories. I honestly wish I could erase those from my brain, unfortunately that isn’t how things work. People tell me that one day, you’ll get what’s coming to you, I just wish I could see it happen. I do hope you live with guilt for what you did to not only me, but the other girl as well. One day, you’ll stay in the past where you belong. In the words of Lady GaGa, “It wasn’t love, it was a perfect illusion, mistaken for love.” Indeed, you were a perfect illusion. Dear Me,
You have a lot of people in this world who care about you. Don’t let negative thoughts or insecurities control your life. You are better than this. Look at the great things you’ve done since your trauma; you’ve become an advocate for sexual assault survivors, you also advocate for those struggling with mental illness, you got a college degree, you got out of your deadbeat job. Imagine all the things you could do, but you need to stop letting fear control you. Comparing people, stalking people on social media, and not letting go of the past is not good for your mental health. You are number one, never forget that. Relinquish the control your tormentors have over you and heal. You’re stronger than you think. Once you let the fear go, you will see a huge difference in your life. Don't give up the fight!
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