I recently Googled self-help books. I decided to do this for a few reasons, one, self-help books have helped me in the past. Two, I want to learn more techniques that may help me, other than just relying on what I learn in therapy. Don’t get me wrong, I love the techniques I am learning with Danielle, but maybe learning other techniques will help give me more a variety when some techniques aren’t working that day. After a lot of research and asking around I discovered an author by the name of Gabrielle Bernstein. Gabby Bernstein is a New York Times best selling author, motivational speaker and Life Coach. She is a self-proclaimed spirit junkie as well. So, in crazy Drea fashion I followed her on all her social media platforms. While stalking her social media I came across her book titled Miracles Now: 108 Life-Changing Tools for Less Stress, More Flow and Finding Your True Purpose. Just reading this title, I knew I had to get this book because it basically listing my goals for my journey to happiness. Clearly, the universe was on my side because I came across this book without even trying. I did a little bit of research on the book and then decided I needed to buy it. This book is highly recommended by many and after starting it I can see why. I literally just bought this book today, and I read the intro and the first section about happiness. Just reading those few pages really set the tone for me. I am going to like this book because she talks about ways you can fight fear and find love. In the section for happiness she makes it clear to the reader that happiness is a choice you make. She also tells you at the end of the section to say, “Happiness is a choice I make!” she says to make it your mantra and it should help change your view. If each section is like the first one I am looking forward to reading the rest of this book, and maybe in the future some more of her books.
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Something I have always struggled with is letting the past go. Not only can I not let my own past go, but I also cling onto Anthony's past. There are many reasons why I cling to the past, but it's mainly because I live with a lot of regrets. I live with this regrets because of my low self-esteem and insecurities. My past drug use and suicidal ideation was traumatic for me. I'm sure that other than my sexual assault, it is a contributing factor for my PTSD. I regret that I didn't mend my relationship with my dad sooner. Even after 4 years I still miss him like crazy and that's that I felt negatively toward him a few years before he passed away. All my life, I believed he didn't want me. I always felt like number two in his life. Now that I am older, I realize that was not the case. Even knowing he didn't see me as number two, I still hurt because now it is too late to tell him that I'm sorry.
Now, Anthony's past. I've known since before we started dating that he had been married before. To be completely honest, it never bothered me until I found out who she was. Once I found out her name and what she looked like, that's when my insecurities took over. I kept a good mindset for several months, but knowing he still had contact with his ex wife's family bothered me. To me, he will never choose me first. I'll always be number two. Just how I felt with my dad. I am almost certain that I am not number two in Anthony's eyes, but I still feel that way due to my insecurities toward his ex wife's family. How did I go from not caring about his past to obsessing over it? I obsess over his past so much that I lost a friend because of it. I didn't realize my obsession until his ex wife text him to tell him that I needed to leave her alone. I immediately felt a tremendous amount of shame. I then knew I had block their family on everything and focus not only on myself, but my relationship as well. Obsessing over my partner's past is not healthy for our relationship. I want to have a future with him so I need to get over both our pasts, so we can have our future. In therapy, Danielle and I have started working on vocalizing my feelings toward Anthony. It's extremely difficult for me. I cannot express my feelings toward people I care about because of the fear of rejection. I fear that if I tell him how I truly feel, he won't want anything to do with me. That may not be the case, but irrational thoughts flood my brain when it comes to talking to him. Danielle, has me saying "I Statements" when it comes to expressing my feelings, especially toward Anthony. She works with me weekly on how to structure an "I Statement" and forces me to say it aloud. It is a lot easier in front of Danielle than it is Anthony. She suggested I write down the statement then tell him. It's a lot easier for me to write it down and just read it. However, I hope one day I can tell him how I feel without a script. I work right across the street from a Cemetery and at 7:00 o’clock in the morning that Cemetery looks so beautiful. Ever since I started my job I’ve always wanted to take a walk in the Cemetery. Well, for the past couple of weeks, I started going for a walk in the Cemetery before work. I don’t know what it is about it, but it’s so peaceful walking in the Cemetery. I’ve noticed that, every time I take a walk before work, my day is progressively better than it would be if I didn’t. Walking in the Cemetery gives me time to think and destress. I usually walk around the entire Cemetery while listening to music on my phone. Not only am I engaging in self-care, but I am also getting in some exercise at the same time. It may sound weird, but I enjoy being in the Cemetery. It feels like my escape from reality, and it makes me happy. If I don’t go to Sunset Memorial Park (the Cemetery right across the street from my work), I usually go to Mount Calvary Cemetery (the Cemetery right next to Sunset Memorial Park). I have family buried in Mount Calvary Cemetery, and I prefer walking through Mount Calvary because I feel my family is walking with me. Both Cemeteries are extremely beautiful in the morning. The light just makes every aspect of the Cemetery look amazing. I took the picture above yesterday morning before work. No filter needed for that picture. I hope continuing my walks in the morning before work help improve my mental health. So far I have seen a positive outcome let’s see what it does in the long run.
In the past two weeks, my mental health has declined dramatically. I think partially it’s because I haven’t been able to go to therapy, but I think there is so much more to it. First and foremost, my job has been intense the past few weeks. I love my job, but it can get difficult at times. Considering how stressful work is I actually feel happy there. When I go home, I feel alone. When I feel that way, my mind starts to race, and negative thoughts take over. My negative thoughts have gotten the best of me lately, and I feel like there is no escape.
I’ve decided that until I get my mental health somewhat under control again, I will stay off ALL of my social media accounts. I decided this because I feel I have a toxic dependency for my social media. I think this because I really don’t have any social interaction with people except on social media. When I am messing around on my social media accounts I don’t feel alone, so I depend on my social media to be the friend I don’t have. Honestly, it isn’t healthy to rely on the internet to help you not feel lonely. Not only that, but I don’t need people who don’t care about me knowing everything that is going on in my life. It’s a horrible addiction that I need to nip in the bud. I am continuing to write blog posts because writing is therapeutic for me, my posts automatically post to my social media accounts, so I don’t need to worry about being online to post. The only thing I will be missing is seeing the comments from everyone, but I am sure if you wish to tell me something you will find another way to contact me. I hope that my time away from social media will benefit not only my mental health but help me to do more than just scroll through Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I need to engage in more self-care and human interaction. It also wouldn’t hurt to get a little more exercise in. That’s the reason why I decided to do my personal fitness journey on the Fitness page. I seriously need to stabilize my mental health before I completely lose my marbles. |
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