Something I have always struggled with is letting the past go. Not only can I not let my own past go, but I also cling onto Anthony's past. There are many reasons why I cling to the past, but it's mainly because I live with a lot of regrets. I live with this regrets because of my low self-esteem and insecurities. My past drug use and suicidal ideation was traumatic for me. I'm sure that other than my sexual assault, it is a contributing factor for my PTSD. I regret that I didn't mend my relationship with my dad sooner. Even after 4 years I still miss him like crazy and that's that I felt negatively toward him a few years before he passed away. All my life, I believed he didn't want me. I always felt like number two in his life. Now that I am older, I realize that was not the case. Even knowing he didn't see me as number two, I still hurt because now it is too late to tell him that I'm sorry.
Now, Anthony's past. I've known since before we started dating that he had been married before. To be completely honest, it never bothered me until I found out who she was. Once I found out her name and what she looked like, that's when my insecurities took over. I kept a good mindset for several months, but knowing he still had contact with his ex wife's family bothered me. To me, he will never choose me first. I'll always be number two. Just how I felt with my dad. I am almost certain that I am not number two in Anthony's eyes, but I still feel that way due to my insecurities toward his ex wife's family. How did I go from not caring about his past to obsessing over it? I obsess over his past so much that I lost a friend because of it. I didn't realize my obsession until his ex wife text him to tell him that I needed to leave her alone. I immediately felt a tremendous amount of shame. I then knew I had block their family on everything and focus not only on myself, but my relationship as well. Obsessing over my partner's past is not healthy for our relationship. I want to have a future with him so I need to get over both our pasts, so we can have our future. In therapy, Danielle and I have started working on vocalizing my feelings toward Anthony. It's extremely difficult for me. I cannot express my feelings toward people I care about because of the fear of rejection. I fear that if I tell him how I truly feel, he won't want anything to do with me. That may not be the case, but irrational thoughts flood my brain when it comes to talking to him. Danielle, has me saying "I Statements" when it comes to expressing my feelings, especially toward Anthony. She works with me weekly on how to structure an "I Statement" and forces me to say it aloud. It is a lot easier in front of Danielle than it is Anthony. She suggested I write down the statement then tell him. It's a lot easier for me to write it down and just read it. However, I hope one day I can tell him how I feel without a script.
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