In April, I started seeing a therapist weekly. I was diagnosed with PTSD this year and when I found out my diagnosis, it made a lot of sense. In the past two years, I have experienced extreme anxiety, nightmares, agitation, depression, and so many other symptoms. Until I started seeing my therapist on a regular basis, I had no idea what was going on with me. During my sessions we have done a lot of different things, but one thing she hounds me on is practicing stillness. At first, I had no idea what stillness was, so, I did what anybody would do, I Googled it! What I found on Google was this definition, “The absence of movement or sound.” That definition didn’t help me all that much, so, next, I asked my therapist what exactly she wanted me to do. She told me she wanted me to do nothing, quiet my mind and body, and simply be. She told me stillness would help calm my extreme emotions (i.e. anxiety). She gave me some tips beforehand, but when I was on my own I struggled.
My first attempt at stillness was a failure. I could not stay still physically or mentally. I had so much on my mind it gave me more anxiety than before I started. It was a bit of a let down because my therapist said this would help me. I went into my next therapy session, and I felt discouraged because of my first experience with stillness. My therapist asked what I did during my practice (seating position, location, time limit, etc). I informed her I went into my backyard, quietly, sat straight up in a chair for about five minutes. Her suggestion for my next attempt was go into a quiet place with minimal distractions then practice it for one minute. Leaving therapy, a bit discouraged I was hesitant when practicing stillness again. I went home and decided that the only quiet place with minimal distractions was my walk-in closet. I got home, went into my closet, sat in easy pose, with my eyes closed for one minute. Being still for one minute was a lot easier than when I tried to be still for five minutes. After success with that attempt, I decided to continue for another minute. When I felt my mind wander, I put my focus on my breathing. Before I knew it, I was still for five minutes. I felt accomplished after my second attempt at stillness because it really did help my mind and body stop for a little while. When I went into my next therapy session I was delighted to tell my therapist about experience. She asked how I felt after, and all I could say was, “good.” She urged me to continue stillness as self-care especially in times of extreme emotion. I decided to practice it every day. Well, my hectic schedule prevented me from practicing it every day. I hadn’t practiced stillness for about two weeks until I had a bad anxiety attack. When I tried to be still, my anxiety made it extremely difficult. I was shocked that I had lost my stillness mojo. The last time I was successful being still, and this time I could not do it! Once my attack subsided, I decided to try it again. I noticed my mind wandered a lot. My anxiety was trying to be the dominant one. I redirected my focus to my breathing, but then my thoughts went elsewhere. I kept my discipline and once again, redirected my focus to my breathing. When my mind wandered again, I told myself out loud, “Andrea, let it go!” Once I commanded myself to let it go, I was focused on just being again. I noticed the sensations throughout my body and focused on my breath. I was successful again, and it felt great! To this day, I still struggle with the practice of stillness. We are so used to a fast-paced lifestyle that we do not take a minute out of the day to be still and focus on the present. Currently, I practice stillness in any moment I get. At work, I practice during my office time. At home, I have created a ritual for my mindfulness and stillness practices. I go into my room, light a scented candle, sit in easy pose on the floor, close my eyes, and just be. I am far from a mindfulness or stillness expert, but I am increasing my skills every day I practice. One day, it will be second nature, but until then, I will continue to fail and try again because when I am successful I feel a huge difference from when I did before I started. If you suffer from anxiety, give stillness a try for just one minute a day. Even the smallest amount of time being still can help you a lot. Do not be discouraged if you cannot be still for longer than a minute, just continue to practice and it will get easier!
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In the past six years my family has lost 15 blood relatives. In the past year I’ve lost at least four people I care about. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is not nearly as difficult as dealing with it during the holidays. The holiday season is a time of giving and spending time with loved ones; and when they are gone it becomes extremely difficult. I’m no expert, but I feel I can give some decent advice on dealing with loss during the holidays. Here are my top ten coping skills for loss during the holidays:
1. Surround yourself with people who will support you, NOT people who bring you down. I’ve always identified the toxic people in my life this includes my own family. Make a list of these people, along with a list of people who support you. Once you’ve done this, try to avoid those who are toxic to you. You’ll notice a huge difference in how you feel when you’re around people who support you. With that being said…. 2. Don’t feel obligated to be around those who are toxic to you even if they are family. It’s understandable you are likely to be vulnerable state and want to surround yourself with family, but if they’re toxic to you, all they will do is bring you down. Don’t feel obligated to go around your family if you don’t want to be around them. Just because it’s the holiday season doesn’t mean you are obligated to see your family. 3. Practice self-care! When coping with anything I will always suggest practicing self-care. You must do what makes you feel good. Meditate, cook, exercise, splurge on yourself, volunteer, whatever it is you do to unwind, do it! “Treat yo self!” Remember you are #1 and show yourself some love. 4. Remember crying is okay! Sometimes all you need to feel better is have a good cry. Whether you’re male or female there is nothing wrong with crying! Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. We’ve all lost someone we cared about, so don’t worry about what other have to say! When in doubt, cry it out. (Even if it’s at work in the bathroom.) 5. You’re not obligated to celebrate. If you’re not feeling it, don’t celebrate. Just because it’s a national holiday, doesn’t mean you will be penalized for not celebrating. If your grief is too much to handle, do what is best for you. There is always next year. 6. Reminisce their memory. If you do celebrate, put a place for your deceased loved one at the table. Put their picture up. Talk about all your favorite memories with them. Make their favorite holiday dish, and don’t be discouraged if you make it and fail. Dedicate this holiday to them. This may be difficult for some but for others it feels great. Do whatever you are comfortable with. 7. Decorate their grave site. Since my Grandpa passed away, my family has made it our tradition to visit the grave sites of our deceased loved ones and decorate them on Christmas Eve. We typically decorate them in the morning and light them up at night. The cemetery allows us to drive through the cemetery at night and see all the beautiful grave sites. Again, for some people, visiting your deceased loved one’s grave sites may feel strange, but if it doesn’t feel strange to you it’s a great way to spend time with your loved one. 8. Minimize or refrain from giving gifts. After the passing of a loved one, you may not have interest in material items. This is perfectly fine. Sometimes you need to take a year off from gifts. Gifts are not the reason for the season anyway! 9. Ask for help. This is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. Mainly because I have too much pride, but if you are feeling overwhelmed with holiday dinner, putting up decorations, or anything, don’t be afraid to ask for help! There are people out there who love you and will help you with whatever it is you need. 10. Finally, (try to) have fun. I’m not going to lie, your first few holidays without your deceased loved one will be extremely difficult. But you need to do what is best for you. I’m not suggesting to just forget they’re gone because that isn’t possible. I’m saying even though it is rough, you still need to try to have fun. Before my Grandma passed away, she told all of us: “It’s okay to cry when I’m gone, but you need to continue on with life. I’ll always be with you. Rather than cry because I’m gone, celebrate my memory. Always remember, I love you and always will.” Sometimes it’s hard, but I always remind myself of my Grandma’s words. I hope that some of you benefit from this, and I hope you all have an amazing holiday season. |
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