In April, I started seeing a therapist weekly. I was diagnosed with PTSD this year and when I found out my diagnosis, it made a lot of sense. In the past two years, I have experienced extreme anxiety, nightmares, agitation, depression, and so many other symptoms. Until I started seeing my therapist on a regular basis, I had no idea what was going on with me. During my sessions we have done a lot of different things, but one thing she hounds me on is practicing stillness. At first, I had no idea what stillness was, so, I did what anybody would do, I Googled it! What I found on Google was this definition, “The absence of movement or sound.” That definition didn’t help me all that much, so, next, I asked my therapist what exactly she wanted me to do. She told me she wanted me to do nothing, quiet my mind and body, and simply be. She told me stillness would help calm my extreme emotions (i.e. anxiety). She gave me some tips beforehand, but when I was on my own I struggled.
My first attempt at stillness was a failure. I could not stay still physically or mentally. I had so much on my mind it gave me more anxiety than before I started. It was a bit of a let down because my therapist said this would help me. I went into my next therapy session, and I felt discouraged because of my first experience with stillness. My therapist asked what I did during my practice (seating position, location, time limit, etc). I informed her I went into my backyard, quietly, sat straight up in a chair for about five minutes. Her suggestion for my next attempt was go into a quiet place with minimal distractions then practice it for one minute. Leaving therapy, a bit discouraged I was hesitant when practicing stillness again. I went home and decided that the only quiet place with minimal distractions was my walk-in closet. I got home, went into my closet, sat in easy pose, with my eyes closed for one minute. Being still for one minute was a lot easier than when I tried to be still for five minutes. After success with that attempt, I decided to continue for another minute. When I felt my mind wander, I put my focus on my breathing. Before I knew it, I was still for five minutes. I felt accomplished after my second attempt at stillness because it really did help my mind and body stop for a little while. When I went into my next therapy session I was delighted to tell my therapist about experience. She asked how I felt after, and all I could say was, “good.” She urged me to continue stillness as self-care especially in times of extreme emotion. I decided to practice it every day. Well, my hectic schedule prevented me from practicing it every day. I hadn’t practiced stillness for about two weeks until I had a bad anxiety attack. When I tried to be still, my anxiety made it extremely difficult. I was shocked that I had lost my stillness mojo. The last time I was successful being still, and this time I could not do it! Once my attack subsided, I decided to try it again. I noticed my mind wandered a lot. My anxiety was trying to be the dominant one. I redirected my focus to my breathing, but then my thoughts went elsewhere. I kept my discipline and once again, redirected my focus to my breathing. When my mind wandered again, I told myself out loud, “Andrea, let it go!” Once I commanded myself to let it go, I was focused on just being again. I noticed the sensations throughout my body and focused on my breath. I was successful again, and it felt great! To this day, I still struggle with the practice of stillness. We are so used to a fast-paced lifestyle that we do not take a minute out of the day to be still and focus on the present. Currently, I practice stillness in any moment I get. At work, I practice during my office time. At home, I have created a ritual for my mindfulness and stillness practices. I go into my room, light a scented candle, sit in easy pose on the floor, close my eyes, and just be. I am far from a mindfulness or stillness expert, but I am increasing my skills every day I practice. One day, it will be second nature, but until then, I will continue to fail and try again because when I am successful I feel a huge difference from when I did before I started. If you suffer from anxiety, give stillness a try for just one minute a day. Even the smallest amount of time being still can help you a lot. Do not be discouraged if you cannot be still for longer than a minute, just continue to practice and it will get easier!
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