I catch myself falling into the same routine. I seem fine and I feel as if I have my life together, then it spirals down in some way. For a while, the stresses of being accepted and feeling as if I am part of a team at work were messing with my mental health. I finally got the mental break I needed at work and I thought it was going to be smooth sailing from there, then my relationship started taking a turn in the wrong direction. Anthony recently got weekends off from work and made a lot of promises that weekends would be for us, but so far, his weekends have been dedicated to everyone else but me. I may sound selfish or territorial, but I truly felt hurt that he has yet to spend time with me on at least one of his days off. You may be thinking: "Andrea, you live together you see each other every day." Yes, we do live together, and I SEE him every day, but most days we are doing our own things and paying no attention to one another. Seeing someone and spending time with one another are two completely different things. I am a person who longs for attention. I want to feel important and I base that on the level of attention I receive from people. It’s not something I’m proud of but it is what I do. I constantly feel lonely and as if nobody understands me. I could be in a crowd full of people and still feel lonely. I desperately crave human interaction but hardly get it because I fear most social situations. I am not a person who suffers complete social anxiety, I am, however, a person who hates the unknown outcome of a situation. What triggers my anxiety is the fear of not knowing how a social situation will pan out for me. If a conversation doesn’t go as planned, rather than continue the conversation with something else, I stop and dwell on what just happened. I do this with my family, peers, and basically anybody I encounter. My desperate need for attention so I don’t feel lonely has me trying to make friends. I purposely joined Cushy with the hope of meeting people with the same interests as I and to make friends along the way. And, for a while, I felt as if I was a part of something great! That is, until Cushy shut down. The friendships I thought I gained, (one in particular,) made me realize that they were merely temporary. I’ve made countless attempts to talk to her and she doesn’t honestly seem to care. Initially, I was devastated and wondered what I did to her to be ignored this way. After some serious thought, (and a few crying sessions) I’ve come to realized that, yes, she may not communicate with me anymore, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t care. She has an extremely busy life and a new addition to her family coming soon. I sent my final message to her thanking her for everything she did for me and that meeting her was truly a blessing, and maybe one day our paths can cross again. I had to come to the realization that not everybody is going to want me in their life. I’m slowly starting to accept that. The right people will come along one day. I just need to be patient. The next step in my journey of self-discovery is to learn how to be alone. I’ve never really knew how to be alone. Being alone is a fear of mine. I also decided to act in my relationship since my feelings were hurt by my partner. I decided to designate one day a month that is just for us. Any other day he can do whatever he wants. He was surprised and argued against it. He hasn’t yet agreed to my proposal. But I feel it’s what needs to be done so that way I won’t be hurt anymore with false promises. It will also help me take the step of learning to be alone. I’ve burnt a lot of bridges, some of which I don’t know how, but rather than sulk like I would normally do, I’m going to take this as my opportunity to heal and grow past it. In this journey of self-discovery my goal is to learn who I am, practice more self-care, gain the strength to learn alone time isn’t a bad thing, and accept that the past is the past. I will spend time exploring it, blogging about it, will you join me?
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